


Excuse Me

by Nyctae



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Eating Disorders, Gen, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Purging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 03:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15379977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyctae/pseuds/Nyctae
Summary: Logan seems to have an excuse for everything, but how long can he lie to those he cares about most until it all falls apart?





	Excuse Me

**Author's Note:**

> The Sides are all human and roommates.
> 
>  **Warning:** There is eating disorder-esque imagery in this. There is purging and starving, but there is no binge-eating.

        He knelt in front of the toilet. Torn gloves gripping the seat contrasted the scratched, red knuckles poking through. The sounds of retching filled the bathroom, but loud music from a neighbouring room drowned it out. All of his senses were filled with the putrid stench and taste of bile of what had been a pasta dish. It was made by his best friend, who knew it was his favourite. However, that meal was now merely a disappearing swirl of colour.

        Logan knew he had a problem, but it hadn't started this way. It started with a light diet as he had called it: restricting his daily intake by a meal or two. He found great satisfaction in watching the numbers steadily decrease, but then the numbers started to plateau. He chalked it up to the holidays where Patton and Roman, sometimes even Virgil, would make various, grand meals for celebration. Of course, Logan partook in these meals. It would be rude of him not to join his best friends in festivities though it left him feeling awful afterwards. Thoughts raced through his head about whether he ate too much, whether the others judged him for what he ate, how many calories were in each helping he took, how it would affect his weight. In an attempt to ease his mind, Logan started exercising, but he found that it drew too much attention as the others began commenting on the new addition to his routine. So he stopped. He had thought about purging his food when he had a bit too much to eat for his liking, but the idea of vomiting originally seemed repulsive to him. After a nasty bout of stomach flu, Logan had become used to throwing up much of what he ate, and the purging began. It was now a nightly occurrence that after enjoying dinner with his roommates, Logan would enter the bathroom with a pair of gloves and begin throwing up what he had just eaten. The gloves were to protect himself from the uncleanliness of using his fingers to purge as well as keep his knuckles from being scratched by his teeth. These attempts, however, were always in vain.

        Logan knew he was lucky that none of his friends had noticed anything out of the ordinary, but he also knew that luck didn't last forever. He eventually pushed himself off the floor, rinsing his mouth out and putting his tie and glasses back on. Before leaving, he looked in the mirror and was met with the image of a pale, thin man with puffy cheeks and damaged teeth. It was disgusting, but he was too far in to just stop alone. Taking a deep breath, he tossed the gloves in the trash can and passed the living room where Roman sat, looking over what Logan assumed was a new script before reaching the kitchen where Patton was washing the dishes.

        "Hey, Logan, you looking for something?"

        "Just getting some water," Logan croaked in response before trying to clear his abused throat.

        Patton stopped his work to turn to him. His face full of concern as he asked, "You feeling okay? You sound a bit sick."

        "Just have a bit of a dry throat. Nothing some oxidane can't fix." With that, Logan quickly grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator and hurried off to his room. His heart pounded, knowing the conversation could have gone wrong.

* * *

        "Hey, Logan," Roman greeted, poking his head into Logan's bedroom.

        "Hello, Roman. I'm trying to study. Is there something you need?"

        "Well, I just wanted to know if you're the one throwing away gloves in the bathroom."

        "Indeed, I have been. Is there a problem with that?"

        "What do you even use them for? I mean I doubt Patton would appreciate you doing chemical experiments in the house."

        "I like to use them when cleaning, and you know how I like a tidy space. Now may I go back to studying?"

        "Oh yeah, uh, sure. But, are you coming to movie night? You surely can't waste all your time married to your textbooks. It's a Friday for goodness' sake!"

        Logan glanced at the clock; there were two hours before the household's weekly movie nights. He hadn't gotten much studying in, but surely a movie wouldn't hurt. After all, he didn't want to isolate himself from his friends.

        "Yes, I will be there," he answered before opening his textbook back up.

        "Great! Now you better show up, Microsoft Nerd," Roman teased as he left the room.

        Just another lie to remember. He hated lying to his friends. He truly cared about them, but he couldn't let them find out. What had started out as losing a few pounds had spiralled into so much more. Now he was in too deep and couldn't get back out, but he was going to do everything he could to try to prevent his friends from finding out about his problem.

        Logan sighed and turned his attention back to his textbook. His grades had been slipping. Not severely to an average student, but Logan craved perfection, and an A- was nowhere near that perfection he wanted. However, despite his daily studying, his focus was rarely on schoolwork. He was either too dizzy and spacey to think, or his mind was racing and focused only on food. He couldn't keep this up for much longer.

* * *

        As time went on, the eating disorder affected more and more of his life. First, it was his honesty, lying to protect his friends from becoming concerned or involved in this. He was the problem-solver after all, not the one with problems. Second, it was his grades. They were slipping as his focus was mainly on the food he was denying himself. Now, it was his emotions. He was no longer the emotionless robot Roman teased him for being. Logan became irritable and easily frustrated.

        Patton called for dinner, and though he was not in the mood to eat, Logan went to the kitchen. He picked at his food, occasionally joining in the conversation. It didn't take long for Patton to frown and stare at his friend. Logan quickly became annoyed, putting his fork noisily on the table.

        "Why are you staring at me?" Logan demanded.

        His anger shocked Patton into silence for a few seconds before he meekly explained, "Well, I just noticed you're barely touching your food. Is something wrong?" 

        "I'm just not hungry. I already ate."

        "Oh, why didn't you tell me ahead of time?" he asked innocently.

        "Well, I am sorry. I was unaware of a rule that I was to inform everyone about my constant whereabouts and needs," he bit back. The harshness of his tone surprised himself.

        Patton's face fell as he stammered out an apology. He hated making others upset and felt guilty when doing so. It's not like he had known Logan would react so harshly.

        Roman, on the other hand, became angry. Logan had no reason to lash out, especially not at Patton, who had just been concerned about him. He interjected into the argument, "What is wrong with you? You didn't need to throw a fit. Patton was just concerned for you."

        "This is not your discussion, Roman. It is between Patton and me," Logan retorted.

        "Hey, hey, no reason to get mad at Roman," Patton tried to reason but to no avail as the argument continued.

        Virgil became more and more uncomfortable until he scooted his chair back. The three all stopped, giving him unwanted attention as they turned to him.

        "Virgil? Where are you-" Patton began to ask.

        Virgil quickly cut him off, "I'm going to my room. I just want to eat my dinner without hearing you all fighting." He grabbed his plate and hurried off to his room, keeping his head down. The argument only continued further as Roman and Logan blamed each other for causing Virgil to leave dinner.

        "Hey, kiddos, it's alright. Let's just all calm down. Virgil will be fine. He's just a bit upset. No need for blaming each other," Patton tried to assure them.

        "No, it's fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted around. I'll be in my room if you need me," Logan said before he stalked off to his room. He took a few minutes on his bed to just breathe and reflect on what just happened. Then the guilt started settling in his stomach. He not only fought with Roman but also lashed out at Patton. Then on top of that, he upset Virgil. He knew he should apologise and maybe offer to help wash the dishes as a form of reparation. Yes, that would be the best plan, and maybe what happened could be brushed under the rug without further discussion.

        Though he planned to go fix this right away, the yawn that escaped him said otherwise. Logan decided a short nap couldn't hurt, so he lied down and let his consciousness drift.

* * *

         Around an hour had passed before Logan woke. He quickly got up but before he could go through with his plan for forgiveness, there was a knock at the door. Not angry or forceful but rather quiet and almost embarrassed. Logan opened the door only to see who he least expected—Virgil.

        "Uh, hey, Lo," Virgil said sheepishly, "I.. I know you said you weren't hungry, but I brought a snack just in case or if you want it later." Logan glanced down, seeing a plate in Virgil's hand. Toast with Crofter's strawberry jam. His stomach growled as he stared at the snack. Damn, now he couldn't refuse Virgil's offer without seeming suspicious. Well, on the bright side, he did love Crofter's jam, and he did quite enjoy Virgil's company.

        "That's very thoughtful of you, Virgil," Logan began, scanning around his room, "we can eat it on my bed so long as you don't make a mess." The two moved from the doorway to his bed, and Virgil set the plate between the two of them. While Virgil picked up a piece and took a bite, Logan hesitated, running through the calories of what he was about to eat.

        "So, what have you been reading recently?" Virgil asked, looking at the stack of books on his nightstand.

        "Oh, a variety of things. The most insightful one was..." Logan began to passionately talk about what he had been reading, making sure to take time to explain the more complicated concepts to Virgil who earnestly listened. By the time he was done, they had finished the plate of toast. He wasn't sure how much he had eaten, and he hadn't bothered to count how much Virgil was eating. Did Virgil know? Well, he couldn't ask because that would force him to end up telling Virgil if he hadn't already known.

        "Well, thank you for the snack. I'm glad you took an interest in what I was reading. I also do appreciate you being cautious of leaving any crumbs, but I need to go shower before Roman decides to take hours in the bathroom," Logan said; a slight smile tugged on the corner of his mouth. Virgil smiled back and nodded, reaching for the plate. Logan handed it to him, but Virgil paused when he did so.

        He frowned and asked, "Lo, what happened to your knuckles?" 

        "Oh, I just scratched them a bit on one of the brick walls around school," he chuckled, "I should be more careful."

        Virgil sighed and looked down for a few seconds before grabbing the plate. "We're worried about you," he mumbled before he left.

        Logan felt bad. While he hadn't entirely lied—he did enjoy the snack and his chat with Virgil—he still did lie about his knuckles. But he decided it was better than Virgil finding out the truth because that would just hurt him more.

* * *

        He sighed as he stripped the ripped, dirtied gloves from his hand and threw them in the trash. His mouth still tasted vile no matter how many times he tried rinsing his mouth out. The man in the mirror looked horrendous and miserable. Puffier cheeks and more damaged teeth. He could easily see he was well beyond a healthy thin, but it didn't matter. The numbers weren't low enough. The numbers were addicting. 

        "Logan, come on~. It's time for movie night," Patton's voice along with the knocking broke him out of his trance.

        His eyes widened as he scanned the bathroom, searching for anything that would need cleaning up. "Uh, I will be out in a minute, Patton," he stammered, quickly trying to put his tie back on, but his hands were too shaky to do it properly on the first try. Three attempts, and he was walking out into the living room.

        Logan didn't remember too much of the movie. He saw Patton giving him some concerned glances. He saw Virgil whispering to him and Roman. He saw Roman saying something, but he couldn't quite hear what. He saw the kitchen in the distance as he said something about being thirsty. He saw the floor. Then he saw nothing.

        When he woke up, he was on the couch. His legs were propped up on the armrest; his tie and belt were loosened. He sat up, and someone placed his glasses in his hands.

        "How are you feeling?" Roman asked, handing him a glass of water once he got his glasses on.

        "A bit light-headed still, but overall, I am fine. I guess I just stood up too fast or something," Logan said, trying to play it off as he took a few sips.

        Patton smiled as he cheerfully said, "That's good. Gosh, we were worried about you. You really need to be more care-"

        "No, he's lying, Patton. He's trying to pretend this is nothing," Virgil cut him off, fidgeting with his sweatshirt sleeves.

        Patton sighed, "Yeah, I had a feeling that was the case... I was just hoping maybe it had truly been nothing. So what happened, Lo?"

        Logan smiled to ease his friends' concerns as he began to lie, "It was really nothing. Just a bit of a tumble-"

        "Stop. This is serious, Logan. We know something is wrong. Now explain before we make any presumptions."

        Logan rarely saw Roman so serious, and he knew it was over. Virgil and Roman knew a fair amount if not everything, and now Patton's concerns were being verified as this continued. How could he get out of this- no, it was too late for any more lies. It was all over. Would they hate him now that they knew their roommate, their best friend had lied to their faces every day for months? Would they kick him out? How could he explain any of this without them hating him forever? He knew all these thoughts were illogical and irrational, but they were rushing through his mind before he could process any of them properly.

        "I," he tried to begin giving an explanation to what the past few months had looked like for him. However, he did not get past the first word before he dissolved into quiet tears. It was too much. He didn't know what to do. Soon Patton was by his side with arms wrapped around him, telling him that it would be okay, but Patton knew that he shouldn't be able to feel that many bones.

        After a few minutes, Logan took control of himself again, and he told the three what all had been happening. He shut his eyes and kept his head down when he was done, preparing for disgust or anger. Though he was terrified of what would come when the silence was over, he had to admit that telling them everything made him feel a lot better.

        "I'm sorry." That was not the disgust or anger he had expected. Slowly, he looked up to his friends. Patton had tears in his eyes, Virgil stared at the ground and played with his sleeves, and Roman had his jaw clenched. That's when it hit him. Not just guilt but also the realisation. By him trying to protect his friends from his secret, he hurt them more. And they were the ones apologising to him?

        "I don't understand," Logan said. He didn't deserve an apology. He had hurt them. Patton was now nearly in tears, and Virgil and Roman were clearly affected as well.

        Now Roman was hugging him. "I'm sorry," he repeated, "We didn't notice until now. We listened to your stories and just accepted them. We never noticed how it was affecting you. You're nowhere near healthy, and you're not yourself anymore. You haven't been for a while, and we never paid any attention to it. What if we had just waited until it was too late? Oh God, Logan, you need help." Logan solemnly nodded, knowing there was no way he could deny it.

        "Lo, I know you don't want to. But could you please just eat a few bites of something? Just so you won't faint again? We can watch some more movies too if you want," Patton pleaded, rubbing his eyes. 

        Logan sighed and nodded. He knew he needed to eat, and even if it was just a few bites, it would be a first step. "Just something small, please."

        "Of course, kiddo, I'll go get some. Roman, you should go pick out another movie," Patton said with a smile, going off to the kitchen to fix some snacks for everyone. Roman went to go find another movie to watch, leaving Virgil and Logan alone. He had been silent for a while, but Logan couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking.

        "Virgil?" 

        It only took a few seconds before Virgil was tightly hugging Logan as he mumbled, "I'm sorry too. We can't lose you, Lo. We love you too much. And I know Roman already said it, but you need help. I can ask my therapist for some options if you'd like."

        Logan nodded and answered, "If you wouldn't mind, that would be nice. Thank you."

        Eventually Patton and Roman came back, and movie night continued. They all knew Logan couldn't immediately be cured, and they knew there would be some difficulties and possibly relapses. But now he would have help and his friends instead of trying to keep everything to himself. 

        Logan was in too deep to get himself out, but three hands were reaching out to help. He finally decided to grab them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story even though it's essentially a vent fic.  
> I hope to improve my writing, so criticism is always appreciated.


End file.
